The Grunion is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous op-ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior official in the Conoley administration whose identity is known to us and whose job and safety would be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important perspective to our readers and therefore overrides any worries that this might look shady as fuck to the general public.
It’s not just that every student activist group looms larger than ever. Or that the average student doesn’t even know who Mrs. Conoley is. Or that she makes over $320,000 annually while the majority of her students can’t even afford the rising tuition costs.*
President Conoley faces a unique challenge that most leaders could not imagine having. The dilemma — which she doesn’t seem to fully comprehend — is that her nice, grandma-like image is messing up the administration’s mission to appear as though we give as few fucks as possible about the students of LBSU. Some of us who believe in this mission are fighting back.
I would know. I’m one of them and I’m brave enough to speak out in this anonymous op-ed.
To be clear, we aren’t the typical resistance that you see around town. I think the president has some excellent ideas and I want this administration to succeed. So many of our campaigns, such as ignoring racial violence incidents, refusing to make LBSU a sanctuary for undocumented students, disregarding calls to remove fraternities that have committed multiple sexual assaults and ruining everyone’s graduation this spring, are amazing ideas.* The reason I stay around is because I’ve seen these plans in action and I believe that they make LBSU a more prosperous place (for my pocketbook, at least).
The first duty I have, however, is to my school, and President Conoley has continued to put out initiatives that make it look like we care about student lives. We cannot continue to let her sabotage our true mission.
“No Barriers?” “Imagine 2030?” We can’t just go out there and lie to them, Jane, we aren’t the Trump administration. Mushy campaigns like this fill these kids with the false hope that we are trying to give them a quality education, when everything we do in Brotman Hall ensures the opposite. If we are going to dick our students, we need to let them know that we are about to dick them. Consent is key.
Don’t get me wrong, there have been bright spots in this hellhole of an administration. When Conoley got up in front of nearly 10 graduation ceremonies and told them to get over the fact that she ruined the day they all worked hard for (I’m paraphrasing here), I nearly pissed myself from laughter. That, my friends, is the kind of gaslighting that we are trying to accomplish.
But despite all the success we had in making student lives miserable, we can’t reach our full potential until Jane steps her shit up and decides to not only talk the talk, but walk the walk. She can’t walk out of a town hall about a knife-pulling incident* and then hand bags of cookies out for finals the next day. You’re not Mrs. fucking Fields, Conoley, you’re the president.
It’s time for you to start acting like you don’t give a shit, like the rest of us.
*For this year’s freshman and transfer students, all this stuff actually happened.