Illustrations of viruses timeline
Art by Mickey McChill

Rate My Pandemic

 By Sochi Olympics

 

I found myself compelled to inform the public of past pandemics in the way I, an average being that is human, sees them. An idea that was completely uninfluenced by current events.

I am by no means a medical professional nor an epidemiologist, but my mother once told me I’d marry a doctor one day so I think I have met the necessary qualifications.

The following diseases are not subject to any type of order in regards to size, impact or severity. They are, however, subject to my opinion and will be judged mercilessly.

 300 black plague

Bubonic Plague (The Black Death)
1347-1351

The Bubonic Plague first appeared in Europe during the mid 1300’s and is the one epidemic people seem to be most familiar with. To protect themselves from miasma, doctors introduced fashion statements like their terrifying beak masks. Seen in history books all season long, the Black Death also wins itself a high vote in my book by bringing rats into the picture. Who knows? It’s quite possible that our beloved New York pizza rat has some ancient ancestors from Europe who are proud that their kin is living large in the Big Apple. I give the Black Plague 9 rat-filled plague masks out of 10.

300 yellow fever

Yellow Fever
Late 1600s-

Making an entrance during the 1600’s in South America and Africa, yellow fever landed in tropical and subtropical climates. Although yellow is my favorite color and I enjoy yellow things, such as sunflowers and Skittles, I am not a big fan of hot and sweaty weather that comes with any type of flying bug near my face. Judging by the fact that mosquitos are the prime taxi drivers of this viral disease, I would much rather steer away from them as much as possible. And because of the lack of rats, I give yellow fever four mosquito swatters out of 10.

300 spanish flu

Spanish Flu
1917-1920

Tomé cuatro años de español en la escuela secundaria. 10/10

300 smallpox

Smallpox
10,000 B.C.-

Where is my Mediumpox? Largepox? XLpox?? I don’t agree with the lack of size representation I’m seeing and, honestly, I expected better. Even if smallpox first appeared in 10,000 B.C., it should have broken standards and came out as a supportive member of society to all individuals of all sizes. Speaking on behalf of many inclusive folks in my age group, we cannot stand for this type of exclusivity. Size does not matter. I pity you smallpox, I really do. One disappointed fashionista out of 10

300 coronavirus

COVID-19 (Novel Coronavirus)
2019-

Well, well, if it isn’t the new kid on the block. To be quite honest, I enjoy being able to visit my friends and have grocery store runs that don’t require me to stand in line for three hours. The only corona I want to see spreading is the corona of confidence on top of everyone’s head, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. COVID-19, you have triggered a wave of change, and for that I can only dutifully grant you a vote by omission. I’m sure you’re getting enough attention as it is.

 

While I do stand by my opinions, feel free to use your judgement when assessing these historical pandemics, even if a few of them can use some work. All that I ask in return is that during a time that is filled with an air of unease and disease, we all should stick together like a suburban mom sticks to her hand sanitizer. Don’t forget to thank a medical professional or two, who are working dutifully on the frontlines of these pandemics wearing their modern plague beak masks. Tell a loved one you care about them, and last but not least, wash your hands.

With all that said, I thank you for your time and consideration in reading this review.