Art by Ella Strator
Art by Ella Strator

Seasonal Concoctions

By Beatrice Vega

March is a month of special occasions: not quite winter but not yet spring, plenty of opportunities to always be celebrating … something. To help get you ready to spring into the new season and through the rest of the semester, we’ve compiled a list of our personal favorite drinks for every occasion you’ll find yourself in this month. 

1. For Seasonal Depression: Sour Apple Four Loko 

You can’t go wrong with the scummiest of the scum, a classic Four Loko. Half of one will be enough to trigger high school memories of belligerence and delinquency, and the other half will land you safely in the near-blackout zone. To spring into the season, opt for the sour apple flavor; at 14%, we assure you that one of these will not only give you a bang for your buck, it will leave you forgetting all about your seasonal depression (or any kind of depression for that matter).

2. For St. Patrick’s Day: Cross-cultural beer

300 beer

St. Patrick’s Day is to the Irish what Cinco de Mayo is to Mexicans: an even more concrete excuse to get drunk, yes, but it’s also a chance to express frustrations over non-Irish and non-Mexican people also using the holidays as an excuse to get drunk. Try to be more culturally conscious this St. Patty’s Day season; we promise it’s not hard. All you need is a pack of your favorite Mexican beer and a tiny bottle of green dye to drop into la cerveza, and you’re all set to not culturally appropriate the holiday!

3. For Spring Cleaning: Liver Detox Smoothie

300 cleanse

Are you tired of waking up in the morning with your head leaning against a vomit-filled toilet bowl with a pounding headache to accompany it, telling yourself weekend after weekend that you’ll take it easier next time just to do it all over again once Friday rolls around? We’ve got the perfect juice detox recipe for you! It’s simple and economical for your college student wallet. Just blend for 10 minutes to get the chunkier ingredients incorporated, then chug as fast as you can because it’s fucking disgusting. 

Ingredients:

4 pinches of dirt
2 cups of clamato 
1 handful of fresh cilantro 
3 nugs of your dankest weed 
1 inch of bark from the oldest tree in your backyard 
A splash of Mountain Dew 
1 slice of lemon (for your palate)

4. For Daylight Savings: Breakfast Cocktail On-the-Go

300 morning
Has the loss of that extra hour of sleep got you feeling especially groggy in the mornings? Do you find yourself suddenly not having time for that most important meal of the day, and by noon wishing you had a stiff one to get you through the rest of it? Then this cocktail is perfect for all you sleep-deprived alcoholics on the go! All you need is Bailey’s, your favorite breakfast cereal and coffee.

1. Freeze a couple blocks of coffee in an ice tray overnight.
2. In the morning, remove the cubes into a cup and pour Bailey’s over it
3. Lastly, sprinkle Lucky Charms on top and now you’ve got your coffee, breakfast and alcohol rolled up in one!

5. For Lent (giving up alcohol): H20

Feeling guilty about all the sins you’ve already managed to commit in the new year and thinking it’s high time you’ve begun cutting back on the drinking? Then kill two birds with one stone and use your long-abandoned religion to commit to giving up alcohol for 40 days. You can promptly return to your piece of shit ways right after, but until then stifle it by avoiding alcohol at all costs and stocking up on edibles.