Art by E.R. Conte
Art by E.R. Conte

Un-thanksgiving

By Beatrice Vega 

 

Thanksgiving, the holiday of giving thanks. The holiday where your abuelita makes the family gather around the table, say a special prayer and go in a circle to express specific gratitudes as you choke back laughter from the absurd solemness of it all. Thanksgiving has become both so normalized and sensationalized that many don’t even pause to consider what the fuck is even going on. 

People of indigenous heritage hate it because, well, you know why. (Hint: the answer is 18 across on the crossword.) Marxists hate it because capitalism. Vegans hate it because they’re not allowed to eat unless someone loves them enough to construct an entire dinner of cardboard for them. In fact, the only people to be found that genuinely enjoy Thanksgiving are corporate white dads who just want to watch football, chug beer, eat some goddamn turkey and pass out in the recliner. 

So here, in this issue about wholesomeness, we pause to commemorate the things we have to be unthankful for, outside of the obviously problematic regular Thanksgiving shit.

 

  1. People who don’t move over for motorcyclists 
  2. Waking up in the morning
  3. People who talk shit on vegans 
  4. But also vegans
  5. Mahogany haters 
  6. Other AP students as an AP student in high school 
  7. Pop culture
  8. Pets dying
  9. HDAD and dyslexia 
  10. People who clearly see the upcoming right lane is blocked off so they speed up to cut off, like, two people 
  11. Professors who expect you to do the readings
  12. Thin blue line flags 
  13. People who don’t pick up their dog shit 
  14. Mark Zuckerberg 
  15. Both Antifa and hardcore Trumpers 
  16. The Dodgers fucking up yet another post-season
  17. The current presidential administration 
  18. Being the Long Beach Nothings 
  19. Plastic
  20. Spam email 
  21. Fires in California
  22. Tom Brady