Written by GOD, Creator of the Universe
It’s pretty much my nature to stay out of thine business. It takes enough hard work to make and maintain the entire universe, but now you want me to get involved in stupid stuff like your fight with your boyfriend or your midterm exam you didn’t study for? I have 7.5 billion people I have to look out for, Sheryl, can’t you just cheat like everyone else?
For some stupid reason, I thought that the best way to manage you all was by letting you all have free will. I thought, “Hey! My angel workers labored really hard to make sure that they created strong, intelligent mortal beings. I’m sure between that and the book I sent down for them, they’ll be able to follow the rules and manage themselves without any worries!”
Well, after evaluating some of you folks, it’s pretty obvious that it’s time to pink slip some of those damn angels. There’s always been some crazy stuff happening on earth since the dawn of time, but what the hell has been going on down there over the last month?
I hear all your prayers (okay, my interns hear all your prayers… but they send me very detailed notes) and the contents of some of these prayers make me really sad. There’s a shooting at a place of worship? Brazil elects a far-right homophobe? The president you guys chose is trying to turn away refugees escaping extreme violence in their home countries? Come on guys, I know I’m not the most present father figure ever, but I didn’t expect you all to develop full daddy issues. Just because I’m not always around doesn’t mean I don’t notice you sneaking out your window to go make out with Satan.
I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed, mostly because I’m not really sure how things turned out this way. Are you guys at all aware that the country is turning to despair? Me-damnit! When you can’t tell the difference between the Washington Post’s and The Onion’s headlines, it’s time to step up and make a change. I gave you everything you needed to run a successful world. I gave the United States money, power, and George Clooney, and thou are still killing each other? I’m at a loss!
I didn’t think I had to say this, but consider this open letter me sending down the 11th commandment: Thou Shalt Not be an Asshole.
I think the most frequent prayer request I’ve received is that I need to be more involved, that I need to stop all the evil in the world. The thing is, though, I have given you all you need to stop these terrible things from happening repeatedly, I’ve given you yourselves. Go out and do something to fix it.
Don’t make me come down there, because if I do, I’m gonna be pissed.