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Illustration by Katelyn Bernardo
Illustration by Katelyn Bernardo

Money Master’s Economic Advice That Could Have Stopped the Great Depression

By Andres Leon

It’s ya boy, the money master, coming back to solve inflation. I’ve never been privy to the economic workings of anything, but I think I have a few solutions to this whole inflation ordeal. It’s really easy, like mind numbingly easy.
Print more money.
There has been no historic recording of this happening ever, so why don’t we give it a shot. What’s the worst that could happen, we have more fire kindling for these holiday seasons that are only getting colder as the ice age encroaches upon us? Nevertheless, we have more important issues that are upon us like the Dollar Tree hiking their prices up by 25% in 2022, making it the Dollar and Twenty Five Cents Tree. What’s the deal with that? I thought we were red blooded Americans who took pride in our dollar stores, not some backwoods country with dollar and twenty five cent stores.
That’s beside the point, my point is that why can’t ol’ Uncle Sam take a few lessons from me? Personally, I’ve had huge success printing my own money. There have been no serious faults or issues and it hurts nobody, it goes back into the economy.
I think a needed step toward this would be adopting the number one pledge that any financial master or institution can subscribe to: minimalism. That means slashing every bureaucratic process in the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, which is the organization that is in charge of currency production in the United States. I’ve had loads of success in getting rid of everything that isn’t needed in my life, and cutting down on anything extra that distracts me from making more income. First impressions are important, so I make sure to wear the same thing every day after my first impression. No — I don’t wear the same shirt literally, but I only own a few pairs of slacks, white t-shirts and one unwashed suit jacket. This reduction of my wardrobe lets me focus on the more important things in life. You know what else I got rid of in my life? My ex. All she ever did was cost money with the dates she always wanted. “You never spend enough quality time with me! I don’t even need anything expensive, I just want to spend time with you! Blablabla!” So obnoxious. She didn’t understand that time was money.
You don’t even need love, it just sucks you dry of precious time you could be spending printing money in your basement. My goodness, don’t even get me started on my ex’s idea of ‘illegal activity.’ She was always telling me, “Stop printing those bills in your basement, you're gonna get in trouble and go to prison.” Some people don’t want to see you succeed and that is the reality.
I digress, printing money is a totally soundproof solution to solving inflation within the U.S. and my basement operation is a microcosm of the potential of the success that this holds. The government is probably more equipped than I am with my HP Officejet Pro 8210, they can probably circumvent the security protocols that prevent you from printing money, an annoying inconvenience. While they're at it, they could give me a lump sum of the cash they print as a favor because my income has been rough ever since my old office job fired me unjustly. I left a ‘IOU’ note in place of the printer that I borrowed to prop up my basement startup operation. Oh well, the world keeps turning and inflation keeps on inflating.