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Illustration by Nina Walker
Illustration by Nina Walker

Pads and Tampons

By Caroline Smith

Long Beach State really needs to up its game in accommodating students with periods, but the least they could do is supply free pads and tampons in all campus bathrooms. It’s really not much of an ask, and we all know that if cis men demanded it, they would be given whatever they want in a heartbeat.

But let’s face it, if pads and tampons were available in bathrooms, life would be infinitely easier for us period-having-peeps. Men just don’t get what a hassle it is to deal with. You feel like you’ve been stabbed in the gut twenty times, you have the weirdest appetite, and you want nothing more than to create a nest in your bed and do absolutely nothing. I mean, I remember what it was like having my first period. I was so confused on how I was supposed to reabsorb my blood I just Carrie-ed myself (i.e. pouring a bucket of blood on my head).

Personally, I employ the tampon-back-in-the-nose method in order to regain my lost blood. I know it gives you nosebleeds, but I find it the most convenient. The more popular method is of course swishing the blood into a Hydro Flask of moon-water and lavender and chugging it, but I know people who like to make a face mask or use some complicated Gregorian chants.

Of course, when us gals and pals don’t reabsorb our blood properly, Gaia becomes enraged. I cannot believe I have to explain this, but the reason women bleed once a month is not because of ovulation or the forbidden fruit, or whatever you’ve been led to believe. We bleed to keep the demons at bay.

It’s like tying a carrot on a stick to make a horse move. The illusion of our blood, our presumptuous injury, leads creatures from their realm to Earth. They are enticed long enough by our blood until they stay too long (about a week or so) when they die of exposure to like 5G or something.

Of course, after that little ruse we have to reabsorb the blood. I mean duh, right. It’s a very simple process really: bleed a little, trap and kill the monsters, reabsorb lost blood. No matter how tedious it is though, failure to reabsorb blood would throw off our cycles, and chaos would reign.

Here’s the thing, this isn’t just an article, this is an ultimatum. On May 16 a total lunar eclipse will occur over Long Beach, at which we can make no promises over the effects of our unabsorbed blood. We could see the campus squirrels turn rabid and eat through the walls. The Japanese Gardens could burst, leaving koi fish in the Psychology building. The grass lawns could become biodiverse! Total chaos!

So let’s avoid that. Give us free pads and tampons in the bathrooms. Heck, while we’re at it, include a cauldron and a few eyes of newts, you never know when you’ll need one of those. Maybe add some ancient texts on curses too. And for personal reasons, can I get a little boat shaped like an upside-down toadstool so I can adventure down the lagoon to the sea?